


Live On As If You Still Love Me

by chaoschameleon



Series: One-Shots [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Muggle, Alternate Universe - No Voldemort, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Angst, Don't act like this, Harry Potter is So Done, Hurt, M/M, No Beta, No Fluff, One Shot, Regret, Sad, Sad Ending, Songfic, Tom Riddle is Bad at Feelings, Tom Riddle is His Own Warning, Tom Riddle is Not Voldemort, Tom is kind of an asshole, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:20:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27476461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaoschameleon/pseuds/chaoschameleon
Summary: Harry loves Tom, but Tom doesn't know how to love him back.Tom realizes just how much he loves Harry, but it's too late. Harry is already gone.Tom yearns to hear Harry say "I love you" one more time, even if it's a lie.-“Even If It’s A Lie” by Matt Maltese songfic
Relationships: Harry Potter/Tom Riddle, Harry Potter/Tom Riddle | Voldemort
Series: One-Shots [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2017243
Comments: 17
Kudos: 157





	Live On As If You Still Love Me

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! This is an angsty songfic based off "Even If It's A Lie" by Matt Maltese.
> 
> If you haven't heard it yet, I highly recommend you give it a listen because it's a beautiful song and it hits me hard. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy! :)

_ I was growing younger day by day _

_ There was love and it was all the rage _

_ And I held you with the wandering eye _

* * *

“Tom?” Harry broke the silence hesitantly.

“Yes, Harry?” Tom answered, eyes closed as he held Harry against his chest. 

The two boys were relaxing in the sun after an afternoon spent exploring the town Harry grew up in. They were currently laying down in the grass on top of the hill Harry had excitedly brought Tom up to. Harry had said that it was one of his favorite places to go when he was younger because you were able to see the entirety of Godric’s Hollow from the peak of it. 

Silence passed over the two once again as Harry didn’t answer right away. Tom opened his eyes at this and turned to look at him. Harry was gazing at him with intensity—unreadable emotions playing across his face. 

Tom raised an eyebrow in silent curiosity as he waited for Harry to tell him what was on his mind. Harry didn’t often show signs of hesitancy when he wanted to speak his mind to his boyfriend, but when he did, Tom found it was best to be patient, rather than try to force it out of him. 

“Tom,” Harry started again, ”I love you.” 

Another beat of silence.

As Tom gazed into Harry’s emerald green irises, he fought the urge to move away. He didn’t want to continue to see the hopefulness in Harry’s expression. 

They had been dating for six months. Where Harry was expressive and upbeat, Tom was stoic and reserved. Tom thought that this might happen eventually, but he wasn’t prepared for it. 

Did he love Harry back? He couldn’t be sure. Years of hiding his genuine emotions behind a mask of indifference had left a mark on him. He no longer felt the power of sentimentality like those around him tended to. 

Tom allowed himself to give Harry a soft close-lipped smile as he pressed a kiss to his forehead. 

“I know you do,” he said, closing his eyes once more and wrapping his arms around Harry tighter. 

Tom didn’t notice the way Harry’s face fell upon hearing that.

* * *

_ All the ways that I could say it now _

_ You’re the boy to push away my doubt _

_ But it’s too late and we’re too young to know _

* * *

Months passed, and Harry and Tom’s relationship lost the unique spark that it held in the beginning. 

Ever since that sunny afternoon, Tom had increasingly become more and more distant from those around him—especially Harry. 

Harry continued to offer him words of affection, figuring that he just wasn’t ready to express his love yet. He knew that Tom tended to be more taciturn in nature, so he never wanted to push him to do or say anything. 

Rather than sort out his feelings for Harry, Tom began to pour his heart into his work. Days that previously would have been set aside to be with Harry were instead spent in his office for hours at a time, ignoring the world around him. The pair’s physical shows of affection also started to lack the passion that it once had. 

Harry could handle the lack of Tom’s familiar presence at first, but it soon proved to put a significant damper on their relationship. As time went by, Tom shied away from Harry’s touch and hardly acknowledged Harry’s shows of affection. No matter how many times Harry gave him tender kisses or professed his love for him, Tom never seemed to reciprocate his feelings towards him. 

Finally, Harry decided he had had enough. He needed to confront Tom about what was going on, because by now he felt neglected and feared what would happen between them. 

On yet another day spent without his boyfriend by his side, Harry managed to drag Tom away from his work to discuss things with him. 

Throughout Harry’s explanation of what he had been feeling, Tom’s face contained no hint of legible emotion. Always the master of disguise, that one. 

Tom waited patiently for Harry to finish speaking, feelings of fear and guilt whirring behind his calm façade. He knew that his relationship with Harry had become strained. How could he not? He had been the one who had brought it upon them after all. 

What he didn’t know was what to do with Harry or how he felt towards him. Tom had grown up in isolation with no friends or family to teach him how to love or care for others. Harry had been the first person to walk into his life and show these feelings for him, which scared him more than he could say. He couldn’t look into the face of the man who loved him without feeling immense guilt for not being able to love him back properly. 

Harry looked like he wanted to cry by the time he finished speaking. The face that was almost always smiling was now adorned with a frown and increasingly watery eyes. 

Tom wanted to break and pull Harry into his arms, but he didn’t. He took a deep breath before saying,”Harry, darling, I’ve just been busy with work.” He was making excuses and he knew it. He had to stop himself from grimacing because of it. “I never meant to-“

“Bullshit.”

Tom stared at him. “What, darling?” He asked, voice shaking uncharacteristically.

“Do you take me for some sort of fool, Tom? I know you’re not telling the truth,” Harry replied sharply. 

“Harry-“ Tom started. 

“Tom, I love you so much,” Harry cut him off. By now a few tears had escaped his eyes and were now flowing freely down his cheeks. “Do you love me?”

Tom stared at Harry silently. He knew that he had an immense amount of adoration for the green eyed man, but he didn’t know how to express it. He didn’t say anything, but he didn’t need to. His silence spoke volumes. 

Harry’s face crumbled at Tom’s lack of affirmation. He loved Tom, but at the same time he knew that the way his boyfriend was acting wasn’t right. As his friends and family often told him, he needed to put himself and his happiness first in life.

With a quivering voice and tear-filled eyes he spoke. “I don’t want to be in a relationship where I’m the only one who feels anything at all.” 

Harry reached up to cup Tom’s face in one of his hands as he spoke,”I have my whole life ahead of me, Tom. I don’t want to waste it on someone who no longer cares for me.”

Harry leaned in, capturing Tom’s lips in one last bittersweet kiss. Tom’s arms came up to wrap around him, not wanting it to stop. But all good things must come to an end, so with a sad smile Harry pulled away and looked into Tom’s eyes. 

“I’m sorry, Tom,” Harry said and pulled away completely. Leaving their shared apartment without looking back before he could change his mind. 

“I care about you more than anything,” Tom cried out in desperation as he watched Harry walk away. But it was too late. Harry was already gone. 

* * *

_ Now I know the boy I shoulda known _

_ Now I feel the love I should’ve shown _

_ And I pull you in but you push me out _

* * *

Harry never came back to him after that day, despite his best efforts to reach out to him. 

Tom spent weeks allowing his guilt and regret eat him alive. From the moment he saw the crushing weight of sadness cross Harry’s perfect face, he knew he had fucked up royally. 

Tom grieved the loss of Harry for a long time, staying up until the early hours of morning and just barely managing to stumble his way through each day. He once again buried himself in his work in a poor attempt to avoid thinking about Harry and allowing himself to succumb to copious amounts of self pity. 

In the beginning, Tom managed to give Harry space while he mourned over the break up. However, time passed and as Tom gradually gained a sense of control over his emotions, his yearning to have Harry back in his life increased. 

He started out slowly, sending Harry texts checking up on him and asking if they could talk things over. He had even tried to call him a couple times. However, these efforts proved to be useless, as Harry had ignored every single one of his calls and texts. 

Tom began to grow desperate in his attempts to communicate with the raven haired man. He had even resorted to trying to discuss things with Weasley and Granger. He wasn’t on stellar terms with them, but they were Harry’s closest friends so he knew that they would be able to provide him with more than the silence he was receiving from Harry’s end. 

Weasley was extremely unhelpful when Tom called him, only saying that Harry, “Doesn’t need you, Riddle. You should just get over it.”

When Tom spoke to Granger, though, she got through to him in a much more meaningful way. She explained that Tom had been taking Harry for granted and that he needed to really think about what Harry meant to him and how he felt towards him in order to truly find closure. Without doing this, Granger had explained, Tom wouldn’t be able to mature as a person. It also wasn’t fair to Harry that he had been treating him this way, hence why he had ended things between them. 

Tom stayed up late that night pondering the things Granger had told him. As much as he disliked to admit it, she was completely right. Tom took Harry for granted. He had been the one who messed up, and he needed to sort out his feelings for him. 

Tom spent the night thinking about the ways in which he adored Harry. 

He loved his vibrant green eyes and his contrasting mess of black hair. He loved Harry’s smile that he was rarely seen without. He loved his energy and curious nature. He loved the way he showed his unrelenting love for those around him. 

_Tom_ _loved Harry_. 

Tom loved Harry and he missed him so much. Tom loved Harry, but he had screwed up. Tom loved Harry, but knew in the back of his mind that he could never have him again.

He was so beyond lost.

* * *

_ And I know you don’t love me so _

_ But please say it once before I go _

_ I know that you can feel me  _

_ Tell me that you don’t love me  _

_ But say it one more time _

_ I’m going darling, I’ll step lightly _

_ Live on as if you still love me _

* * *

It had been three months since Harry had ended things with Tom. 

Ever since coming to the startling realization that he was in love with Harry, Tom found himself reminiscing on the past and longing to go back in time to fix things. 

He had stopped trying to reach out to Harry and his friends, knowing that his attempts would be futile. 

In his desperation to bring back some semblance of his time with Harry, Tom had taken to going back to the places they used to go together. 

From the lake they used to spend hours swimming in to the restaurant Tom asked Harry to be his boyfriend at, Tom went to them all. 

Each place he visited, Tom was painfully reminded of his ignorance. They used to have something special, and he had thrown it all away just because he was too much of a coward to embrace his love for Harry. 

He would give up anything just to hear Harry say “I love you” once more, but it was too late. Harry had surely moved on by now, and there was no going back. 

Tom made up his mind. He would see Harry one last time and then he would leave him and allow him to go on with his life. 

In a last attempt to contact him, Tom sent him a text:

_ Harry, I know you want nothing to do with me, but can you please meet me at the hill in Godric’s Hollow at 3 PM on Saturday? _

_ Tom _

Tom never received a response after sending that text, but he knew Harry would come.

Saturday afternoon arrived quickly, much to Tom’s chagrin. He had been dreading seeing Harry again, not knowing how he would react. 

Yet here he was, atop the hill in Godric’s Hollow with his legs spread out in front of him and his forearms propping his upper body up.

_ How ironic _ , Tom thought,  _ that I chose to come here to do this of all places _ . 

Of course the place Tom would see Harry last would be the place Harry had first confessed his love for him. Harry had always enjoyed the clichés, after all. 

The familiar shuffling of feet signaling Harry’s approach quickly snapped Tom out of his thoughts. 

Tom turned around and locked eyes with the boy he loved. He still looked as beautiful as always, even after all that had happened between them. 

Harry’s face remained neutral as he sat down on the grass beside Tom. 

Tom knew that Harry no longer loved him. He had lost the glint of adoration in his eyes that he used to have whenever he looked at him. 

“Hi Tom,” Harry breathed out after a moment of silence between the two.

“Harry,” Tom said, forgoing the formalities. His expression shone with all the emotions he would have carefully hidden had this been any other situation. 

_ Hurt, regret, desperation _ .

It was so strange for Harry to observe this rare display of feeling, yet he managed to remain deadpan as he waited for Tom to say whatever it was that he asked him here for.

“Harry, I just need you to know that I apologize from the bottom of my heart for not showing you the love you deserve,” Tom continued with a shaky breath. “I was a fool to push you away. You mean more to me than anyone ever has.” 

Harry sighed and looked away from Tom. A few months ago he would have done anything to hear those words fall from Tom’s lips.  _ But now? _ Now it seemed pointless. 

Harry knew what he was doing when he left Tom. It had been overwhelmingly difficult, but Tom’s actions were just too much for Harry to deal with. 

In the end, his love for the boy sitting before him didn’t overcome Tom’s cowardice. It was too late to change the past. 

“Harry, I love you,” Tom’s voice cut through Harry’s inner monologue, voice breaking. 

Harry turned back to look at Tom, who was visibly shaking. “I used to love you too, Tom. But it’s too late.”

As much as it pained him to say this, it was true. He had had a lot of time to reflect on their relationship, and as they spent more time apart, Harry’s love for Tom waned. 

“I know,” Tom replied, a dry sob escaping his lips. “I know, I know.” 

Tom had brought his knees up to his chest and was hiding his face on top of them. 

Even after everything that happened, Harry’s heart still broke upon seeing Tom so hurt. Tom had never shown vulnerability like this before in all the time he had known him. It was a grotesquely mesmerizing image that Harry knew he wouldn’t forget. 

Just as Harry was about to speak again, Tom snapped out of his stupor. He turned towards Harry, looking as if all the light inside him had left. 

“Tell me you love me Harry,” he said, eyes wide and eager. He looked slightly crazed. Whether it was a trick of the light or Tom’s desperation, it certainly unnerved Harry. 

“Tom I told you. It’s too late,” Harry said, albeit reluctantly. “We could have been something, but I don’t think it was ever meant to be. It was never the right time.”

This only served to break Tom even more. “Harry, say you love me. Just one more time. You don’t even have to mean it.”

Tom’s minimal amount of control at this point was rapidly decreasing as he gazed pleadingly into Harry’s eyes. 

“ _ Please _ ,” Tom whispered, capturing Harry’s hands in his own. 

He didn’t even care if Harry was telling the truth or not. He knew Harry didn’t love him anymore.  _ He knew it _ . 

But  _ oh _ , how he wished he could hear those three words come from Harry’s mouth again. 

Harry moved one of his hands to cup Tom’s cheek, rubbing it gently with his thumb. 

“I can’t tell you something that is no longer true, Tom,” Harry whispered sadly. “I’m not the person I once was.” His eyes roved over the face of the man he used to love one last time. 

_ “I’m sorry.” _

As Harry walked away, he heard the harsh sobs coming from Tom as he broke down completely. 

It was too late.

_ Harry no longer loved him. _

* * *

_ Just say it one more time _

_ Even if it’s a lie, even if it’s a lie _

**Author's Note:**

> This was the first fic I've written in years, so feedback is much appreciated! :)


End file.
